Even someone who writes about as frequently as a panda gets laid really ought to mark the plague. To mark this "difficult situation" I am doing a rare post on the 'daily blog' I was going to use to practise being a writer. It has become apparent to even a common yokel like what I am that the financial arse has rather fallen out of writing so I was in fact very clever indeed to skive from daily writing practice in favour of staring into space. My career change dreams may lie in tatters but thanks to Covid-19, the working from home dream has been achieved without me tapping as much as a single key. A rare reward for indolence.This is my plague experience so far...
I confess to being remarkably calm for someone who worries about what everyone really thought about them mangling a sentence in 1987. I am worried about aged relatives and the general death toll but otherwise taking it in my stride. There are a number of reasons for this, one is having acquired a garden. If I were still living in a flat I'd be lying in the middle of the road demanding strangers spit on me to end my battery hen hell- like a wild germs bukkake fetishist. The best advice I can offer anyone living in a flat just now is to make use of parks and other green spaces but try, no matter how much you're enjoying it, to look miserable. You must appear as if you've just learned that every leaf, every blade of grass is conspiring against you. If the authorities or any passing sneaks get the sense you're happy, you could end up before the beak. Clypes are everywhere.
What a shower of foul snakes we have in our midst. The one bright spot in all of this is that we now know who would grass us up were the country to end up a dictatorship. There aren't many surprises in my circle. Be vigilant on Facebook, if you use the awful thing, I still do for practical reasons too dull to share here. Half my work colleagues are in something close to a frenzied masturbatory state at seeing another person in public. who maybe, might just be possibly breaking a rule. The other half are having meltdowns about 5G. I am reading it all, pulling grotesque faces and murmuring "I knew this, I always knew it".
It's a firm belief of mine that one ought to hope for the best but prepare for the worst. With that in mind I have written the names of all known clypes down under the heading "anti-government subversives" in my notepad. Like all notepads I'll carry it faithfully until I see a funny cat or a bumblebee and get distracted but when we're all quivering beneath the state jackboot in future dictatorland, we shall learn it's true value as a search of my home unearths it and takes out an entire spy network. I urge you all to do the same. We can't stop them being sneaks but there's a small chance we can murder them with notepads.
The other reason I'm handling plague lockdown quite well is that I have long viewed nature as a monster ready to take us all out on one of it's whims. I have been waiting for something like this since I first laid eyes on the Old Testament. In fact reading the entire OT substituting the word God for nature isn't a bad way to view who is in charge. Nature delights us all by throwing up fluffy animals but all those bites, stings and scratches one experiences rolling about in a field are a warning. We are ruled by a murderous lunatic with a 100% kill rate. A murderous lunatic one can't evade or thwart - look what happened to poor old Des Esseintes when he tried to cheat nature.
The final reason I'm handling it so well is the rather boring observation that I quite like being at home. Eighteen year old me would have wanted to bite old me for saying that but it's the truth. I like controlling the temperature, bossing the garden about, making tea, sprouting seeds and creating wee worlds like a slightly absent God. I like pretending to be in charge. Having a big game of control is a rather fun big lie and one that I plan to play along with as long as I'm allowed to.
I have the oddest feeling I should end on some advice, like Springers Final Thought but I don't have anything to offer and I lack the the level of interest in other people that seeking to boss them about usually entails. The best I can suggest as it that you laugh as much as possible, get out in the sun without landing yourself in hot water and fire a couple of tins at the foodbank collection point next time you're out on your permitted trip to the supermarket.
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