I have always loved perfume or rather I have always loved some perfume. Lets not fool ourselves a good deal of it is weak fruity water that someone bought in Asda because it was on special. I should ignore that thin gruel if I were you and concentrate on the good stuff.
Having inexplicably been born into the wrong social class for my needs, I have always regarded perfume as a distress call to my lost aristocratic parents. I like to imagine my aristo folks have been frantic with worry since the nanny mislaid me in a train station. They haven't, they don't exist, there was no nanny, there was no station, there were no aristocratic parents, I was a random burden placed on people who hoped for better, God is dead, no one is coming, I am alone.
Recently, living in a damp, collapsing flat, early middle age and the realisation that my entire career is one enormous, pointless dead end have taken their toll and I find myself disappointed I didn't die in my sleep each morning. I do not want to live this life but I'm too whatever it is I am to change it.
I really don't understand very much about my life. Everything I ever tried at or felt passionately about failed and as I'm by the halfway mark I don't see that changing. I made my bed but I didn't mean to make it this way and there doesn't seem to be any better way available to make it. I was trying, really trying. I'm stuck and marooned.
A sensual, transporting scent to mask the whiff of this rotten gutter is what is required. If I can't be somewhere else, somewhere better then I'd at least like to smell like I am. With that in mind these are my current favourite perfumes in no particular order.
Penhaligon's Halfeti- An unusual choice for me as it was only released in 2015 so is dead modern. It also appears to be unisex, which I tend to avoid as I feel disappointing enough without anyone getting the notion I have a cock. Nevertheless it's a rich, oudy, smoky, woody scent that smells how I'd like to feel in life.
Guerlain's: L'Heure Bleue- My all time favourite, it's powdery, odd, haunting, ideal for a cold day and feminine without being a lisping twit about it. If it were a woman it could go in go a bar and drink alone making it very much a bird I can do business with.
Guerlain's Shalimar- As above but with added sweet vanilla. It is Barbara Windsor's signature perfume.
Coty- L'Aimant- Deeply underrated because it is as cheap as chips and very old. This is a powdery, comforting, sweet treat of a perfume. It doesn't last very long on the skin and needs topped up throughout the day but it's a beautiful scent.
Yves Saint Laurent- Rive Gauche- This manages to smell clean but probably up for a knee trembler at the same time. It's soapy and comforting and reminds me of a dirty Nivea. I am very fond and go through stupid amounts of it. A fine day perfume.
Estee Lauder- Youth Dew- Smells like the late 70s, perms, nights out being babysat, excitement.
Dior-Poison- The first time I caught a whiff of this I was being tortured in a bathroom. The slightly overweight tall girl was pressing my hand on to a hot radiator whilst the thin and slightly mannish one was trying to force me to say "I am an ugly spastic" and threatening to burn all my skin off. I can admit now that I was somewhat distressed by their behaviour towards me but was determined to stare into space and feign indifference. After a while they got bored and picked up a roundish, purple bottle and started trying to spray it into my eyes. It was Poison! I turned my head to the wall so most of it went on my hair and in my ear. I immediately concluded that I wanted to smell like this for the rest of my life but would prefer not to be tortured in a bathroom. I broke free, went home and wept partly from grief at the way I'd been treated and partly from joy at how fucking foxy I smelled. A little goes a long way but it's a no holds barred whopper of a perfume, a French Joan Crawford in a bottle.
Honourable mentions: Vivienne Westwood- Let it Rock & Boudoir, Chanel No 5, Revlon-Charlie Red, Kate Moss- Vintage Muse (smells like rotten fruit and fucking for about 3 minutes) L'Artisan Perfumer- Timbuktu & Rose Privee , Cacherel.- Lou Lou
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